Sun, Surf and Social Anxiety.

I’d originally intended this post as a holiday blog…What we got up to, where we ate and lots of photos of me catching epic waves. The reality is, this holiday has been a complete emotional overhaul tor me (and I barely caught any waves at all!).

It had been over 6 months since I’d been on a surfboard (due to my knee and having to have surgery). I was pretty wary about getting back on a board and the risk of damaging my knee again, but thankfully the coach we had was great. We were taught a different method to pop up to what I’d been taught back in England and it didn’t put any pressure on my knee at all! My fitness levels and the power of the Portuguese waves were a different matter. By the time I managed to get out back, I was absolutely shattered. I would then get in my head and stress so much about catching the wave, that I very rarely did. It was then I realised I much prefer climbing mountains!

We originally booked this trip 3 years ago. For the last few holidays, my best friend and I had been to ibiza, but we wanted something a little bit different and a little more relaxed. A surf and yoga camp in Portugal seemed like the perfect next step. I think if we’d come when we’d originally planned it would have been better however, thanks to the joy that is covid, we kept having to postpone. In those 3 years both our lives changed a huge amount and neither of us were the same people as when we’d booked it. During that time I’d separated from my husband, changed jobs, moved to the other end of the country and started to find myself. Being where I am now, I know so much more about myself and what I enjoy and don’t enjoy, along with having enough understanding of my own boundaries to just say no to things I don’t want to do.

I’ve talked quite a lot about how difficult I find social situations involving large groups of people. The camp was full of outgoing extraverts and I found it completely overwhelming. The first night we’d signed up to dinner at the camp, which was followed by an introduction talk and ‘speed dating’. By this point, most people had had quite a bit to drink and I could feel my anxiety building. I started off ok, but by the fourth of fifth conversation in which I’m trying to explain being currently between jobs and back living with my parents, I was struggling. After this first night, we avoided most of the social activities, keeping ourselves to ourselves and playing lots and lots of cards.

My anxiety was at its worst on a trip into town to Boardriders, an event that takes place every friday night at the Quicksilver store in Ericeira. There was food, drinks, a DJ, a skatepark and a whole load of people. The majority of people from our camp had gone along, so there were a lot of familiar faces, but for me it was just far too much. After heading out of the crowd to a quieter spot, I just knew I couldn’t go back in and decided to walk back to camp. My friend wanted to stay and joined some of the others we knew and I walked the nearly 5km back along the coast. It was only around 8pm so it was still warm, and actually, the walk was exactly what I needed to calm myself down. This is a decision I’m so glad I made, as I just knew I’d get myself worked up if I’d stayed. I would get in my own head about bringing the mood down and it would just be a downward spiral from there.

I’ve also stopped drinking in the past few months, which is still something I’m navigating in certain situations. In general I’ve found giving up alcohol a lot easier than I thought I would, but on holiday it seemed to get questioned so much more. When my anxiety kicked in, people just assumed I wasn’t having fun because I wasn’t drinking, when in fact if I’d drank it would have just made my anxiety 10 times worse. I also find it difficult sometimes to explain my reasoning when people ask, not that it matters. But this also makes me feel uncomfortable, especially when I’m repeating myself a lot to different people.

I am still learning how to deal with my anxieties when they come, but I know that avoiding big social situations is up there. It’s different though when I’m out on a group hike with a bunch of strangers. I think this is partly to do with usually only chatting with one or two people at a time, rather than a whole group or table, but also being outside is calming. There doesn’t always have to be conversation and it’s quite normal for it to be quiet whilst everyone’s taking it all in, or struggling to catch their breath up a hill!

Though there were a lot of highs and lows, I still really enjoyed my holiday. We had some great dinners out, including tapas at a local restaurant on a cobbled street in the middle of town. We’d gone out with a small group from camp, all more our age and on a similar wavelength. In this kind of situation I felt so much more comfortable and the food was absolutely incredible!

Books:

Before heading off to Portugal, we made a pit stop at a charity shop to pick up some books. I was pleasantly surprised at how many great ones there were. Avoiding social situations gave me plenty of time to read, along with my 5:30 wake ups.

Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living: Glennon Doyle – This is one of the best books I’ve read in a long time. There was so much of it that resonated with me and how I’ve lived my life, but also relating to how I’ve chosen to change it. I’ve come such a long way in the past couple of years and I’m really bloody proud of myself for pushing myself out my comfort zone and achieving what I have. This book is full of so many important life lessons and in teaching you how to love, and live for, yourself.

Lyrebird: Cecelia Ahern – I’ve read quite a few of Cecelia Ahern’s books and always enjoyed them. I like to have both a fiction and a non-fiction on the go, so I’ve got a choice depending on my mood and headspace. I started reading this on the plane home and was instantly hooked and couldn’t put it down. I haven’t finished it yet, but don’t think it’ll take me long!

Resilient: Rick Hanson – I’m so far only part way through this one. It’s split out into 12 chapters, which each focus on a different inner strength. It’s filled with strategies and exercises to help develop a more positive mindset and build resilience. I haven’t quite made up my mind about it yet. I usually prefer books that make me think, rather than doing physical exercises, but I’ll give it a chance.

If you fancy listening to any of these books via audible, you can get a month free via amazon here.

This holiday was a whole host of emotions. There were some well needed realisations, moments of contentment and quality time with my best friend. But there was also the acceptance that certain things just aren’t for me, and that’s ok.

Happy Adventuring! x