A Month of Reflection: What I’ve Learnt Being in my Own Company

Dark Days

The last few months haven’t been easy. I’ve never been good in my own company and getting out for a walk is my go to when I feel down, so being stuck at home unable to go for a walk has not been so great on my mental wellbeing. (If you want to know more, you can read about my knee surgery and recover here).

I could feel myself on the downward spiral and started closing myself off from people. Then, I was barely sleeping and I lost my appetite completely. It was also the worst time in my cycle, which amplifies things even further and I topped it all off with a night out. I know how negatively alcohol affects me in the days following, but at the time, an evening in the sun with wine felt like a good choice.

However, I’ve somehow found my way out the other side of it. After a few pretty dark days, I managed to find something inside me to pull myself through. I took myself outside, I had the support of incredible people around me and realised that ultimately…my life is what I make it.

Being at home has given me a lot of time to reflect on myself and where I’m at in my life. I’ve always been harsh on myself and put pressure on myself, I’ve always criticised how I look or why I do things. All of this was then magnified with a not so healthy relationship. I ended up questioning every action, blamed myself for situations out my control, became on edge and ultimately started losing my sense of self once again.

Working on Myself

Rather than wallowing, I decided to try to use this time to focus on myself and figure out some of the things that have been affecting me negatively. Instead of binging desperate housewives, I started watching documentaries, instead of endlessly scrolling, I started reading more books. I’ve made a conscious effort to be more present when I’m spending time with friends and family and I’ve started to try and remove the things that have been leading me closer to that downward spiral (be that people, apps, activities).

One of the things I’ve always found the hardest to deal with is my negative thoughts, the ‘what if’s’ and ‘what might be’s’. I’m trying hard to be in the moment more and appreciate where I’m at right now. I’ve started meditating for 10 minutes each morning and I’ve already found that I’m starting to deal better with my thoughts when my head starts to go into those negative mindsets.

I’ve also gained more and more appreciation over the last couple of months for the positive relationships I have in my life and how important they are. I am exceptionally lucky that my parents will drive to the other end of the country to keep me company, that my friends call just to check in, that my colleagues bring me coffee and breakfast when I can’t get out the house. Alongside all of the positive relationships, it’s also helped to highlight the negative ones. I’ve started to learn to love myself more and understand that I deserve more than what I’ve been allowing myself to accept in certain situations.

Ultimately, for me, life is about relationships and experiences. It’s about those connections you have with people, the debates, the deep conversations about life. It’s about being vulnerable and surrounding yourself with people that you feel ok being vulnerable around.

Moving Forward

I’ve had a lot of conversations recently about ‘the purpose of life’ and what I want to do with mine. One of the things I have finally come to a decision on is moving back up north. I want to be closer to my family, be closer to friends that I haven’t seen in a long time and be closer to the mountains. As beautiful as Cornwall is, it takes forever to get anywhere. I currently don’t have a plan, a job, or anywhere to live. But I have faith in myself that I’ll be able to figure it out over the next few months. Somehow, I seem to have managed quite well bumbling my way through the past few years.

I have also been trying to reduce the amount of ‘stuff’ I have. Having moved four times already this year, with at least another two moves on the horizon, I have realised how much excess I have. I’ve always been one to hold onto things just in case, but I’m trying to move away from this and only keep hold of the things that I genuinely use and love. Not really being able to get out has given me plenty of time to go through all my things and have a good clear out of things to take to the charity shops and to try sell online.

I definitely feel like this journey has helped me to reflect on myself. It’s taught me to be able to think more clearly, to close down the negative thoughts before I let them take over and to focus on the now, being grateful for where I’m at and what I have in the current moment. I know that I won’t always feel this positive, there will be days when the negativity takes over, when I feel so low that I can’t get out of bed. But that’s life. You don’t get those incredible highs without the lows to compare them against. But it just means you have to treasure those moments even more when you’re in them.

So here’s to the now and living more intentionally, to the adventures yet to come, the relationships to treasure and those still to be discovered.

Happy Adventuring x

Resources:

If you’re interested, below are a few of the things I’ve been reading/watching/using recently that I’ve found helpful. If you have any recommendations, then please let me know in the comments! I’m always on the look out for more to read and watch,

Documentaries:

• The Minimalists – Less is now (netflix)
• My year of living mindfully
• Brene Brown – The Call to Courage (netflix)
• Becoming (netflix)

Books:

• Braving the Wilderness – Brene Brown
• Homesick: Why I Live in a Shed – Catrina Davies
• Block, Delete, Move On – Lalalaletmeexplain

Apps:

• Balance – This is a meditation app and it’s currently available for a years free trial. I’m only a few days in, but I’m finding it really useful. I’ve been doing 10 minutes every morning for the last week or so. I’ve noticed a lot of changes in myself recently and I’m not putting it solely down to the meditating, but I definitely think it’s having a positive impact on me and how I deal with stressful situations and negative thoughts.