Hitting 30 – Thoughts on Life and Societal Pressures

I’m not where I ever expected to be at 30. I thought I would be settled down with a family, a steady job, a nice house. I’d had a plan, but things just weren’t meant to be that way.

When I was at school it was just expected that you went to university. I picked a course at random that sounded interesting and off I went to explore a new city. I made some friends, I gained some independence, but I didn’t really know where I was heading. I was told that after University you should get a graduate job, so I did. I hated it with a passion. Yes I gained some skills, I understood the corporate world and I actually met my best friend. But I started to get the feeling it wasn’t really for me.

I tried a different corporate company, in a different role. I worked my way up, I worked long hours, I travelled around the country, but I had very little spare time and wasn’t getting any job satisfaction. I was stressed, I cried most evenings and had a very poor work life balance. So I had a conversation with my then husband and decided to quit my job and set about looking for something new.

I wrote lists (I like writing lists) and thought about the things I wanted and didn’t want in a job. I ended up training as a nursery nurse. I enjoyed it, but the hours were long. So I got a job as a teaching assistant. Again, I enjoyed it, better hours, but I didn’t feel challenged enough.

By this point, I was separated, we’d just sold the house and I was at a crossroads. I could carry on, bumbling through life trying my hand at this and that, or I could do something drastic and up and change everything. My whole life I had followed the rule book, I’d gone along a path that society had told me was the right one and it just wasn’t working for me. So I thought it was time to try something else.

So here I am. 30, single and starting life over. I have days when I think what the hell am I doing. I look at my friends with their beautiful families, homes, steady jobs and feel a ping of jealousy. But then I realise that there is still time for that, if I want it.

Being single is something it’s taken me a while to come to terms with. After separating from my husband I realised how terrible I was at being alone and being in my own company. Lockdown helped me with that a lot, but I do find myself falling back into negative headspaces and I do often feel lonely. After recently becoming single again it’s definitely something I’m finding hard to adjust to. I’ve found when things break down, I am too hard on myself. My automatic response is that there is something wrong with me or it’s something I’ve done, even if I know deep down that that’s not the case. There feels a lot of pressure to be in a relationship in your 30’s, that I should have ‘settled down’, but I’ve come to realise I need to be happy in myself first and content in my life. Then if down the line someone comes along who adds to that, then great, and if not, then I’ll be ok.

One of the biggest things that I shifted my thinking on was having children. When I was married, all I wanted was to start a family. after getting married, we constantly got asked when we were planning on having children. When it came to it though I think I knew something wasn’t quite right and I guess I freaked out. After separating I had the realisation that I may not meet someone else, or be in a position to have children. I found this really difficult to process at first, but then slowly came around to the fact that life would be ok either way.

I’ve recently started reading more non fiction books and listening to podcasts which I have found really inspiring, they seem to help me focus my mind and be more productive. I am always on the look out for recommendations for both books and podcasts, so please do let me know if you have any you’ve particularly enjoyed.

Moving forward, my focus is me. Doing things I enjoy, spending time with people who bring me up, trying to find my way. I want to be more mindful about every aspect of my life and I’m going to start taking baby steps and slowly trying to embed a routine to help me find some clarity and contentment.