I’ve only had a panic attack once. I was in a hotel in Vegas on my honeymoon (Vegas not being somewhere I really wanted to go in the first place). It was all just far too overwhelming. There were so many people everywhere, I was constantly being asked if I wanted tickets to x, y and z whilst having leaflets pushed in my face. Everything was vast, there was too much going on and my brain just couldn’t handle it all.
Other than this, I’ve never had a full on panic attack, but I have suffered quite a bit from social anxiety. When I was younger, I sometimes used to ‘zone out’ when at parties or around large groups and more recently it turned to feelings of ‘why is everyone else enjoying themselves and I’m not’. My most recently encounter was at a friends hen do, the first big social gathering I’d been to after lockdown, with a lot of people I’d never met before. It felt like my mind just shut down. I took myself outside to get some air and ended up getting so emotional that I just took myself off to bed.
I am an introvert. I don’t think this has always been the case though. As a child I would throw myself into anything an everything without fear, I would make friends with people wherever I went and I always wanted to be in charge. Unfortunately, I think the social pressure of school squeezed every bit of confidence out of me. I stopped doing the things I loved, I took a back seat and did everything I could to just try to fit in.
My ex husband was an extravert. In a lot of the social situations we found ourselves in, I’d take even more of a back seat than usual and I’d hide behind his extrovertness. We were together for nearly 10 years, so this definitely impacted my ability to deal with these kinds of situations. After we separated, I felt completely overwhelmed with social situations and going out into the world as ‘just me’, not part of a couple. Pretty soon after, we went into lockdown and I didn’t have the opportunity to get out socially for quite some time, just amplifying the feelings of ‘I can’t do this’.
It took a lot for me get out on my first group hike with a bunch of strangers. after umming and arring about whether or not to sign up, I took the plunge. On the day, I sat in the car with my heart racing, wondering whether I should just turn around and go home again. But I didn’t. I forced myself out and sheepishly walked up to a group of people and asked if I was in the right place. This was one of the hardest, but best things, I ever did. I found people I could be my true self around, even though this was something I was still on a journey to discovering. Being outdoors with likeminded people took so much of the pressure of awkward social gatherings away.
We talked about life and I opened up more than I had in a long time. There weren’t awkward silences, but times off puffing and panting trying to catch our breath, lots of laughs and moments of everyone just taking it all in.
After my first group hike, my confidence started to grow. I signed up to more walks with different groups, I made friends and we started to meet up after work to go walking or for swims. As my community on instagram grew, I started to connect with more and more people who just seemed to get me. I’ve met all kinds of individuals that I would probably never have crossed paths with if I hadn’t taken that first step.
The outdoors community is incredible. Never have I been surrounded by so many women that just want to celebrate each other and their achievements, who are so kind and genuine. I have made some of the closest friendships I’ve ever had through getting outdoors.
But it isn’t all about the group stuff. Even getting to a point where I felt ok to go out on my own has been a big thing for me. I always used to worry about what people would think, what if someone stopped to talk to me, what if I got lost. But as my skills and confidence grew, getting out on my own became an absolute saviour. Being able to take that time away from everything else going on in life, that freedom. There’s nothing quite like it.
Being outdoors, whether it’s a local walk, a hike up a mountain, a dip in a lake or a swim in the sea just does something to me. You can switch off, even if just momentarily, from all the other stresses of life. You can breathe in that fresh air, gaze in wonder at the incredible views and just soak it all it all in.
I still struggle at big social gatherings, even at small ones. I’ll often be found at the edge of the group, between two conversationstions. But I am slowly developing better coping mechanisms and accepting that it’s ok to feel alone, even when surrounded by people. I don’t need to feel worried about how it looks to someone else if I don’t join in with conversations because I feel too overwhelmed by it all. But pushing myself out of my comfort zone has definitely helped me.
It’s been quite some time since I’ve been on a group hike with strangers, but I’m really looking forward to putting myself back out there once my knees heeled. The outdoors feels like a safe space, and that’s partly down to the lovely humans who occupy it.
If you’re worried about taking that first step then I urge you to try and find a local walking group through fb or Instagram and just go for it. I’ve not had a bad experience yet! You can check out my post on finding my adventure buddies here.
Happy adventuring x
Lisa Outdoors 
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