My journey with my body – loving and hating the lumps and bumps

I recently posted a picture on Instagram in my bikini, with a caption about how I’m currently very uncomfortable in myself and unhappy with the way I look. One troll took it upon himself to tell me that if I wasn’t happy with myself, I wouldn’t have posted the picture and that I was only doing it for likes. Apparently, in doing this, I was making other women question themselves.

Being unhappy in your body isn’t something that is solely reserved for people who look a particular way, nor does it mean that I am not allowed to post a picture of myself. For me, accepting how I look and posting when I’m not feeling my best, is part of the journey. There are times when I do feel confident and love my body and I will post a picture and say so, but it’s not all smooth sailing from there.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. Not that I have always been overweight, when I was in school, I got teased for being tall and slim.. I was often called lanky and a group of girls took it upon themselves to describe be as a wooden spoon. I constantly compared myself to the people around me. I was taller than all my friends, weighed more, was a completely different shape.

Food became my comfort. I struggle with self-control around food at the best of times, but that’s just exaggerated when I’m hormonal, upset, frustrated etc. This led me to develop a binge purge disorder. This is something I have only ever spoken to a couple of people about, so opening up about it is not the easiest.
I would lose control so much, that I would consume thousands of calories before I even realised what I was doing. I would eat whatever I could find. Eventually, I stopped having any kind of items I could binge on in the house, as the act of having to go to the shop to purchase food would give me time to become aware of my mindset and give me a chance to snap out of it.
During this period my weight fluctuated very little, but outside of this is fluctuated a lot. At my highest, I was up to 13 stone. At this point in my life I was unhappy with work, stressed and in a relationship that I knew was coming to an end. At my lowest, I was down to under 11 stone. This was during lockdown, I was finding myself again, my freedom. I was in a great routine; I was out hiking and swimming at every opportunity and I was content. I had very few ‘wallowing’ days and overall was a lot happier.

Weight certainly isn’t the be all and end all and I think when I was at my lowest, I wasn’t focusing on it all. I was just generally healthier and happier.

I think it’s important to try and be open and honest about these things and to start a conversation. So many people suffer on a daily basis in themselves and the way they look. A lot of it is down to society and the pressure from certain aspects of social media to look a particular way, but we’re always going to have our own inner demons too. Your weight and what makes you feel happy and comfortable should be solely up to you, whether that’s make up, clothes or whether you chose to shave!

Right now, there is a lot of uncertainty in my life again. Coming out of lockdown, leaving my job and stability to jump into the unknown, at the beginning of a new relationship. It’s all exciting, but it’s certainly a test coming out of my little bubble I’d created for myself. I’m proud that I haven’t let myself slip back into binge/purge habits, but I’m definitely aware that at times I have been on the edge of it.

I need to focus on getting back into a good routine. I need to plan my meals and exercise and get more days out on the hills. I also need to make sure I keep surrounding myself with the people who build me up and encourage me to be the best version of myself. The trolls are few and far between and I was overwhelmed with the support from the Instagram community in having my back and checking in.

You don’t know why people do the things they do or what is going on in their head. But at the end of the day, just be kind. Life is too short and precious to waste it being cruel.

* I am no eating disorder expert; this is just my personal story and views on the process I have been through. If you believe you are suffering from an eating disorder or feel you need support then reach out to your GP or a specialist charity such as beat (https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/)